so i guess i chose josh its been 6 months now crazy or what? i practically live with him, sorta sickening. like a really bad married couple or what ever. he just leaves me at his house and goes out or leaves me with his mom, and makes music with his friends. leaves me watching tv. and when i bitch he gets all pissy. who the fuck are you?  makes me so angry. glen finally started caring, but im sorry to say its to late. in a scence i like what josh and i have, all though it varies from day to day. overall i like what we have. i cant leave an everyday affair. i wouldnt know what to do with my nights. and i would so hate not waking up with him. today the alarm went off at five, we went to bed at 1. and i told him we had to think about getting up. so i turned that alarm and the 5 30 alarm off, and the 545 alarm off. oh yeah we woke up at 6 15, cause his mother was screaming our names. thank god for that. i had school, and he had to work. so he was mad he didnt get to work out,. but w.e. i didnt get to shower. luckily i showered late last night. so it's not a big deal. i have to work tonight and i dont want to. im pathetic. i josh want to sit at josh's house and wait for him. all night. everynight.

So yesterday with josh was paaa. But anyways He called me from his work like all after school, because he smashed his phone.  But i really didnt want to talk to him. so i talked to him after work and he said he'd pick me up at work, but fuck that. i went and smoked with mike. and talked to josh later on. and he was crying, he was being crazy it was nuts. but thats besides the point. i love him. yaya for 10th chances.

I am very upset. I can't stand it anymore, being lied to. Its getting sickening. He told me this girl jenna who was calling him was his cousin, thats a lie. and then he finally admitted it was an old friend. if you have nothing to hide dont lie. Plain and simple. So he was drunk and was like please i love you, i just wanna be with you, I would never do anything to hurt you. And the sexy sicillion in his phone, he said it was the same girl. after he told me before hand he had no clue, and nextel service a name always shows up. But on myspace, the right spelling for the sexy sicillion and correct arrangements of letters, its his ex girlfriends myspace. Danielle. How could someone lie about absolutely everything. It will always catch up with you and kick you in the ass. I really want to be with josh, but i just wish i could fall asleep and when i wake up everything was good again. He isn't good to me in the first place. He's to aggressive. I called him and told him last class I knew what was going on, and he kept calling me back, if he didnt do it, he wouldnt be so worried. I dont care who these girls are, I have nothing to say to them, for all I know, none of them have any clue I exist. It's rediculous. and then again I am the idiot who is still with him. w/e right? and now his phones off. he left me a voice mail saying he was going to smash it so no one could talk to him. really cool josh, really fucking awesome. he lied to me, he really lied. I really thought he loved me, but apparently not. I dont tolerate liers, but then again, I guess I do. If you start a fire , chances are you'll burn with it, go to hell.

So things with joshua are slowly improving, they were horrible for a few weeks. But somehow I managed to stick with things, despite doubts. I was going crazy. But right now I feel like he needs me. His computer crashed last night. All his hard work is gone, completely. I wanted to cry for him. He kept it together, cause the boys were there. But now, his demo, will take forever, he'll never be able to get his beats back, he has invested so much time, in all these tracks. Without a demo who's going to sign him? And another thing is, he's completely broke. His credit cards are maxed out, his gas tank is empty, his bank account empty his wallet also empty. He had to borrow money from his boss to get home from work yesterday. How the hell is he expected to fuel an escalade for an entire week off of twenty dollars, its rediculous. His parents won't even help him out. I'd help him, but I can barely help myself, since i took a week off from work. I feel bad I really do, but he wanted nothing to do with me for the past month. But on the other hand, I love him, I have to help him. I stayed at his house last night for the first time in the past month. I use to stay there every single night. I waited for him to go to bed with me. That wasnt untill well after twelve. My phone rang at three. He was so angry. He wanted me to show him right away who had called. and of course glen was on my call log, but i hadnt answered that call, and that call was from monday. It was kt calling, but non the less, he was still angry, and didnt believe me. he didnt see why a friend would call me at that time. I guess I didnt either, but she did, so what? I woke up to my alarm at 5 30. I shut it off, and josh said he'd make sure i got up within 10 minutes. I woke up at 6, he was wide awake. He didnt wake me up, cause he didnt want me to leave. Maybe I feel to sympathetic, but right now, i feel like he needs me. Somehow i'm the person who's going to bail him out, and just lay there with him, untill he's okay. I love him, I really do. I dont want to lose him, but I can only help someone so much.